hey :)

hey guess what?
18 days of school left!! yay!!!!!

There's probably three things I like about school right now.
1 - It gives me something to do
2 - I get to see the people I like
3 - Teachers are very relaxed and realize none of us want to be here

Although there are some positives, there are MANY negatives on why I don't want to be here
~homework
~I'm sick of a lot of people
~I would rather be sleeping
~Tests
~HOMEWORK
~It's getting nice outside
~I can think of other things I would love to instead
~And surprisingly, working so I can get paid sounds more enjoyable than sitting in class

I have liked going to Kennedy these four years. I started out as this really quiet and shy freshman that kept her personal life to herself and only wanted a few good friends. Over the years I've kept some of those good friends, lost some, and gained some. I have become a lot more opinionated compared to then. I am also a lot less shy. I've realized what is important to me and what isn't and I've gotten rid of the things that made my life worse or weren't good for me. I've experienced a lot of things I never thought I would have and I've never done something super bad that I really regret. Everything you do in high school doesn't really effect the rest of your life. If you go to school and maintain passing grades, you should be fine. What you do in high school helps you get into college, but it doesn't help you pass college or survive in the world outside of high school.

I'm glad I wasn't this perfect little girl that did whatever she could to excel in high school, but never had the chance to experience anything. I think I did really good at balancing my schoolwork and personal life. I did get good grades, but I also had fun and hung out with friends a lot.

So Much To Do, So Little Time

That's a saying everyone has heard their entire life. Mainly, when you're little, you don't understand what these crazy adults are talking about. But, I finally realize everything now that I'm sitting here every single day and the thought crosses my head AT LEAST once an hour about what I have to do with my life. I have so much I have to get planned before graduation, it's absolutely crazy.

So, this is my "TO DO LIST"
1) Send my acceptance money to Coe
2) Send out graduation invites
3) Plan my graduation party
4) Maintain my grades so I can graduate with distinction :)
5) Get ready for the AP exams
6) Clean everything in my house for my grad party
7) Have two jobs
8) Have a social life and be happy

So, this doesn't really seem like a lot to do, but it actually is. I'm normally really good at managing my time, but it's not as easy as it use to be. I do and will eventually get everything done on time, but it's not easy. Every senior is going through all of this right now, and I definitely think I understand senioritis now. I'm trying not to let it take me over until after my AP exams, but it's hard. Some people have already given up this term, but I'm trying my best to stay on the right path. I guess we'll see.. actually...I definitely want to. This graduate with distinction thing is what I've wanted for forever...well since I realized I had the opportunity to. I just have to work hard at it... :(

So this is sweet... :)

So, on Saturday I asked Rj to prom. He already knew he was going with me, but I just felt like I should be the cute little girlfriend and ask him in a cute little way.

Sooo....Rj's favorite color is blue. I went out and bought 50 blue balloons. Then I went out and bought his favorite candy: 3 boxes of charleston chews, 2 bags of sour patch kids, a box of zours, and a mixed bag of mini chocolate bars. I individually bagged all of the candy into 50 plastic bags and then I put them into each balloon. It was so hard!! My friend Ashlee helped and both of our fingers turned blue and she even got a blister.

After this, I had planned to eat at his work with my sister. When I walked inside his work I told him that I left my debit card in his car the night before and I needed it, so he gave me his keys. I went out and stuck all of the balloons in his car. I also bought a Bears sweatshirt and stuck that on his seat, a Bears air freshener and stuck that on his mirror, and 100 Disney princess sticky notes. On the sticky notes I wrote stuff like "will you go to prom with me?", "I love you", "Please Please Please", and "Prom?". I put all 100 sticky notes around the inside of his car.

It was good timing because he got off work the same time I got done eating, so we walked out together. He walked to his car and saw it and it made him so happy. That's all I wanted. It was kind of lame...I know. But, it was so awesome how happy he got. It was all worth it. Like WAY worth it. :) :) I'm smiling right now writing this. It just makes me happy. :)

So, today while I was at work I got called upstairs. As I walked upstairs right away someone handed me a dozen roses in a vase. It was SO SWEET!!! They were beautiful. There was a note inside that said, "I love you Bertha. (which is what he calls me) My answer is yes!! to everything..Love Rj" It was so cute! I loved it. Yeah, I've gotten flowers before but I've never gotten flowers sent to me. I was so happy. He is the sweeetest boy ever! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

dear you,

i love you...that's it...no one else...i will always be only yours...for forever...you're my dream girl, my queen...i never wanna be with anyone but you...you're the love of my life...my soulmate...my best friend...i would be lost without you...i would rather hurt myself 10 million times before i ever hurt you once...i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you...i just wish we were older so our forever could start now...i want you to have my children...i will never fall out of love with you...we will spend the rest of our lives together and always be in love...you're the most beautiful girl in the world...i've never been this happy....ever...i smile all of the time around you...i think about you all of the time...you're the best girlfriend ever...

This sounds like the perfect thing any girl would want to hear, right? Who would really believe it could ever be true? Guys say stuff to girls all of the time just to get what they want out of them, or to just be with them at the time but not for real.

Well I actually hear this everyday of my life. Crazy?? I know!! But it's actually really nice. Like it seems like a dream when I'm with him. He always says the sweetest things to me and I love it. It's not only when I'm with him either. When I'm not he sends me random texts saying he misses me and loves me and he's really sweet about it.

So, don't get all like eewww gross on me either. Yes, I am in love but there is no way I think love is easy. I am not a hopeless romantic and I know firsthand that most guys are not like this. I've been treated like shit, just like everyone else. I also am very apprehensive about believing that Rj is actually one of the good guys. He doesn't seeem to want to hurt me and he does seem genuine. It's a really nice change and I love how good he treats me. I just hope it stays like this. I don't know what my future is going to be, but I do know that if he stays faithful and always shows that he cares about me then I would love to keep him around as long as I can. :)

The worst guy in the world

My dad. Well no... probably my father...no I have to refer to him as my sperm donor because even a father wouldn't purposely try to ruin his daughter's plans for her future.

He kicked me out for my first time when I was in second grade. Okay...dad of the year! SECOND GRADE and he's kicking out his daughter for probably doing something that kids are suppose to do. So, I'm pretty sure that is one example that shows how awesome of a parent he is. He can't deal with his kids making mistakes, LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO! He wants to have perfect little angels as children and he can never understand why they would make any mistake at all. I'm pretty 100% sure that he's made mistakes. I've seen him make tons of them.

So, over the years he kicked me out for a few days to a week, then would apologize because he couldn't even remember why he did it. So I'd always go back to forgiving him and living our usual schedule we had between him and my mom.

When I was in seventh grade that's when I was fed up with it. He kicked me out because his wife (now ex) didn't like that when I came home I would go to my room and do homework instead of spending time with her. Like she would literally cry over it. It was really stupid and pathetic. That's when I realized that I don't have to put up with his shit anymore. He chose his wife of a few months over his own child, and for a stupid reason. I spent so much time crying that night and the next day. It was probably the worse feeling I've ever had and the worst thing I've ever been through. I finally realized that day that no matter what my dad said or how much my DNA says, he never wanted me or anything to do with me unless it made him look good.

Even though this was probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me, I think it's also the best thing. I now have the best relationship with my mom and he knows I won't put up with his shit anymore. I stand up for myself. He's not use to it and he absolutely hates it. We only argue, I don't think there's ever a time that we get along. It's a pretty bad situation, but what can I do? Do I really want to be hurt continuously for the rest of my life? He does it to everyone. My older sister realized it, his ex wife, my mom, and I'm pretty sure all of his girlfriends. He's very two faced and can be a really nice fake person, but the real person inside of him is selfish and angry. He only cares about himself. It's kind of a terrible feeling to know that no matter what I'm apart of him.

So, since I was in seventh grade, I've ignored him a lot. He always tries to be involved in my life when I do good to look like "a good parent", when he probably can't even name 5 of my friends, how long I've been dating my boyfriend, or how long I've worked at my job. He just doesn't care. He doesn't want to get to know me, so when he tries to get involved I get pissed. Not just pissed, but I flip out on everyone that stands up for him or tries to tell me his side of the argument. Basically, no one's going to change my mind. He is a down right evil person that I want nothing to do with. He keeps getting involved with me going to college, and it's not right. He knows nothing about my life, which I really don't have a problem with, so I pretty much think that he shouldn't be able to get the perks or rewards of saying that he has a very accomplished daughter. He just tries to put me down, but I know what I've done to get respect. I know how hard I've worked. He knows absolutely nothing. He makes bets with people on how bad I'm going to screw up. I just can't wait until I'm officially old enough to get him out of my life permanently, because it is my choice. Right now I still have attachments to him through my sister, so I can't be totally rid of him, but one of these days I'll be out and he will never talk to me ever again. I've already said he's not allowed at my wedding, whenever that is. I don't want the one person who has continuously made me feel like shit and continuously hurt me my entire life be there to celebrate the happiest day of my life. He doesn't deserve it. I would rather have someone who respects me and my happiness and someone who I respect to be the one there.

I just can't wait until this is over. Until I can finally get rid of him. Until I can officially get him out of my life. It's pathetic that I've had other people be more like a father figure to me than he is. It's just pathetic. I can't wait until he's gone forever...

How did I go from zero jobs to three jobs??

I quit Red Lobster in January...then I had pretty much not an awesome time trying not to spend my money...but late February I got a job coaching gymnastics one to two days a week. It's a very easy job and very few hours, but I really enjoy it. It doesn't even seem like I'm working; it seems like I'm just playing with kids.

In March I got a job at Sears as a cashier. I really liked this job too. It was kind of boring sometimes, but I did enjoy working with people and the money. (since I do want to become an accountant)

And a couple of weeks ago my mom's boss, Jon, came up to me and personally asked me if I wanted a job at Read Photography. I was really hesitant about it, for a couple of reasons actually. Well one...my mom works there. She's worked there for 19 years so I was kind of hesitant about working with her. Another reason is, I'm not working with my mom at all but I'm working with Jon's son, Brian. So I've known Jon and his family for my whole life. I've always thought Brian was a little weird. Not in a bad way, but it's just how it is.

I decided to take the job at Read. I start today. I'm going to be packaging all of the prints that go out to everyone, help with senior pictures, and sometimes help with dances. It should be pretty cool. I get to start out at a higher pay than most people who start there because all full time people get health insurance, and Jon already pays mine because of my mom, so I get the higher pay to start. Then, it's a lot more hours than I could get working at any other place. This summer I'm going to be working from 9-6 or 6:30 monday through friday. That's good money and a lot of hours. It will also leave my nights and weekends open so I can have a life. I'm pretty excited.

I put in my two weeks at Sears yesterday. I cannot go from school to Read to Sears every night. I just can't. I will lose my mind. I'm still going to do the gymnastics because I really love doing that and working with little kids.

So Teachers Suck..

Sorry Mr. Ayers...but it's just how I feel right now.

So last week my AP Econ teacher decided to basically tell us..."you guys are all seniors, you have less than two months of school left, none of you want to be here, and we still have work to do. There's going to be some of you that will try and some of you that won't, so it's up to you. You are going to have to do everything yourself, and I won't really be leading the class anymore unless you have questions."

Yeah...so this would be my hardest class. That's insane! I need him there to teach me, I can't teach myself. Yeah there's the book and everything, but you need more than a book for it to make complete sense. Especially in a class so hard.

Basically all of my teachers right now are giving us a whole bunch of work all at the same time. It seems like they all ran out of time and are giving us a bunch to do all at once to cram it in. That doesn't work out very well. Especially as seniors. Right now we're planning for the rest of our lives. We have to do so much...plan for our graduation, plan for college, choosing living situations, prepare ourselves for everthing to change, do homework, have jobs, maintain a social life, and stay mentally sane?? I don't think so... I know that I'm personally losing my mind.

And no one seems to understand how much stress we seniors are actually under. Everyone else seems to only care about themselves. It sucks. I really gotta try and stay positive through this..

Why did I pay for these exams?

So, today is April 10th and my last day of high school for real is May 27th. I am so excited!! My classes are kind of challenging..not all of them. I'm in two AP classes and I'm taking both of the exams in May to try and get college credit for them. AP Econ and AP Calc. For AP Econ, the class is divided into two parts...micro economics and macro economics. This means that we have to pay for and take both exams. To start off with, it's my senior year and these exams are in May; I don't know if I can sit there and pay attention for that long. The macro and micro test are on the same day. I have to sit there and take a 3.5 hour test in the morning, then I have a half hour break, and I get to sit and take another 3.5 hour test. That is absolutely insane!! I'm going to be braindead by the end of the day. I'm guessing I'm going to give up halfway through and realize that I'm not going to do good anyways, which is probably not the best idea but I really do think that is how it's going to happen. It is going to suck big time.

I am going to take my AP Calc exam, as well. It's a week before the econ ones, so I shouldn't be in a bad position with the timing or anything. For the calc exam we could choose between taking two tests...AB or BC. AB, if you pass, you get credit for taking one term of college calculus. BC, you would get credit for two terms. So I am definitely taking the AB test. I chose this one because the AB test consists of everything we learned first and second term. The BC test consists of everything we learned all year, mainly third term. We are not even getting to finish everything needed to take the BC test. I think I have a way better chance to get college credit for the AB test.

So...it is the end of the year. I have three totally awesome exams that I already paid for and I have to take that are in May. I'm not very determined at all to study for these. I mean yeah I want to do my best, but I just dread studying. I'm guessing I won't. I'll do what my teachers give me and tell me to do, but probably no extra studying for me.

Some Place I Never Considered

This is where my next four years is going to be. One mile away from my house. Some place I've known since I was born. Some place I NEVER thought I'd be at. Some place I NEVER considered until I realized how bad I wanted to stay in Cedar Rapids. Some place I've competed at. Some place I practiced at every night. Some place I thought was not for me...

I never knew anything about the academics at Coe.
I never would have even considered it.
I knew people that I practiced with that went there, but they never talked about the school.
I never knew it was a good school.
I never knew I would ever look at the school

I'm majoring in accounting. I really like math. I want to become a C.P.A., which means I have to sit for the exams after my education at Coe. I've heard the exams are really hard.
I also think I might double major in public relations..
Coe is really good about getting people out of college in four years no matter what.
I've met people that have graduated in four years with a triple major, and that's really hard.

I'm excited for college. But, I'm also kind of nervous.. it's a big change.

TRUST...the most complicated word ever

I personally think my main problem is trust.

I don't trust anyone. Well, I do trust some people, like some of my good friends and my close family members, but I really don't know if I trust anyone, besides my mom, completely.

I really think that's a problem.

I mean... I have a boyfriend that I'm really in love with...I should trust him.

I have some friends that have been my friend for 7 years...I should trust them.

I should trust my other family members more...but for some reason I don't



I'm scared to let poeple close to me. I'm scared they're going to hurt me or leave me. That's been my experiences with so many people. My dad, my best friend since I was in preschool, my past boyfriends that I've been closest too.



I really try not to talk about my personal life very much, to anyone. I think I don't want people to know the real me and everything about me, and then just leave.



Whenever I do let people close and tell them about...well...me...I become really close to them. Like, they become my best friends.



My biggest thing about trust is probably guys. Whenever I have a boyfriend, I spend a lot of time with them. We end up getting really close and they know a lot about me.



So.... my last three boyfriends...one I dated for 6 months, one I dated for 10 months, and one I dated a little over a year... they all cheated on me, or tried to and failed. I didn't put up with it and that's the reason why all of those relationships ended. I know these are high school relationships and stupid stuff like that happens all of the time, but it also happens when you are an adult and so I have really bad trust issues when it comes to thinking my boyfriend is or will cheat on me.



My current boyfriend...Rj.. tries really hard to prove to me and tell me that he is never going to cheat on me because I'm "the best girlfriend he's ever had. he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. he loves me. etc..." But hey, guess what? I've heard all of that before. I really want to believe him and I wish I completely did. That would make it so much easier.



I hate always thinking or worrying that my boyfriends are cheating on me, lying to me about where they are, lying to me about anything, talking to another girl for the reason that they like them.. it just freaks me out. I don't want it to happen again, but it's just what I expect from guys. I really really really hope Rj is not like that. He is the sweetest guy I've ever been with. The most real. He doesn't like drama...although it happens...he doesn't give up when something goes wrong. He wants us to be happy and work it all out. I love him.. I just hope its real this time.

I really need to get over my trust issues. It messes with me. Like if anything shady comes up I put up this wall and don't let anyone close to me, I don't let anyone know how I feel, I just don't, and it's terrible.

A Roommate While Still at Home...???

In the last post I said I was moving out of my house on June 1st, after graduation. That is still true. I am also still moving in with one of my best friends.

Sooo.... my friend's name is Ashlee. I love her to death. One of the main reasons she wants/needs to get an apartment is because her family's house has been on the market for the past 9 months. Two days ago someone finally put an offer on their house that her parents thought was almost acceptable. They counter offered and found out today...they accepted the counter offer. Good news right??

Well....almost good news. There are a couple things wrong with it...
1) They have to be out of the house in 3 weeks...aka about April 25th
2) She has siblings that are moving to New Mexico and being taken out of school a month before the school year is over.
3) I don't get out of school until May 27th, I graduate May 28th, and my graduation party is May 31st... this means I don't plan on moving out until June 1st... and Ashlee has no where to live until June 1st

Okay basically thats the jist of what's going on. So because Ashlee would have no where to live for about a month I offered her to stay at my house with my sister and mom. My mom said it was okay. The only problem is space. She would be staying in my room and we both have a lot of stuff :-/...

I know we could make it work, it would just be a little cramped and not what we're use to. So, in a few weeks, I might be having a roommate in my bedroom...

Leaving Home...

On June 1st, I plan on moving out of my house. Kind of a big step, I know. Especailly when it's not necessary. I mean, I could wait until college starts, or I could live at home for much longer than this. I could even live at home for the next four years while I attend Coe if I wanted.

One thing about me is that I am a very independent person. I don't like people to come to my rescue if I'm in trouble. I don't like to depend on people to be there for me, just in case when I need them they won't be. There are very few people in this world that I would even go to if I was in trouble. My mom is basically the only one I fully trust and know that no matter what she will always be there for me if I need her. My sister, although we're getting closer now that we're growing up, still is too immature about some things to understand that she hasn't experienced yet. But, I do tell her way more now than I use to. My boyfriend, although we haven't been together very long, seems to be a very helpful person. He always wants to make sure I'm happy. He's pretty open with me about what's going on in his life and so that makes it pretty easy for me to open up to him.

So anyways...the whole point of telling you that is...I'm moving out because I feel like my mom has done so much for me that I don't want to have to have her keep paying for my living expenses longer than she has to. She is a single parent that basically pays for and takes care of two teenage girls all alone...with no child support or anything. (My dad might pay for something for my sister 3-4 times a month, and me probably once every two months.)

My mom has done everything for me my whole life. Yeah, sometimes when we were younger we couldn't afford certain things, but my mom has done the best she can to make mine and my sister's lives fulfilling.

So, I am moving out after graduation. I've had a job since I was 14 and am pretty good with money, I think. I will still see my family a lot, just not live with them. I am going to be living with one of my best friends in an apartment. I think it will be a good experience. I'm kind of nervous, but also kind of excited to have something thats mine that I'm investing my money in, and totally responsible for.

Graduate with Distinction

At ten o'clock this morning all potential valedictorians, saludatorians, and graduates with distinction were called into the library to discuss what they need to accomplish this last term to receive one of those awards. Personally, I was there because I am a potential graduate with distinction. My cummulative G.P.A. from my entire high school career is, at this moment, 3.825. I'm pretty proud of it. I've never worked super hard to get good grades in school, but I've also never given up either. The G.P.A. I need to graduate with distinction is 3.835, so basically I need to raise my G.P.A. .01 this term.

While in the library, our principal gave us a formula to use to figure out what G.P.A. we needed to get this term to accomplish that goal. So...the G.P.A. I need this term is 3.97. I really think I can get that. I mean I've gotten 4.0s before, it just depends how my classes are. My AP classes this term are focused on the exams we take in May, so we have a lot of completion work to get us ready for those. I really hope I make my goal, that would be sweet. I know no one else in my family has gotten anything like that. I'm gonna try to work hard for it...