TRUST...the most complicated word ever

I personally think my main problem is trust.

I don't trust anyone. Well, I do trust some people, like some of my good friends and my close family members, but I really don't know if I trust anyone, besides my mom, completely.

I really think that's a problem.

I mean... I have a boyfriend that I'm really in love with...I should trust him.

I have some friends that have been my friend for 7 years...I should trust them.

I should trust my other family members more...but for some reason I don't



I'm scared to let poeple close to me. I'm scared they're going to hurt me or leave me. That's been my experiences with so many people. My dad, my best friend since I was in preschool, my past boyfriends that I've been closest too.



I really try not to talk about my personal life very much, to anyone. I think I don't want people to know the real me and everything about me, and then just leave.



Whenever I do let people close and tell them about...well...me...I become really close to them. Like, they become my best friends.



My biggest thing about trust is probably guys. Whenever I have a boyfriend, I spend a lot of time with them. We end up getting really close and they know a lot about me.



So.... my last three boyfriends...one I dated for 6 months, one I dated for 10 months, and one I dated a little over a year... they all cheated on me, or tried to and failed. I didn't put up with it and that's the reason why all of those relationships ended. I know these are high school relationships and stupid stuff like that happens all of the time, but it also happens when you are an adult and so I have really bad trust issues when it comes to thinking my boyfriend is or will cheat on me.



My current boyfriend...Rj.. tries really hard to prove to me and tell me that he is never going to cheat on me because I'm "the best girlfriend he's ever had. he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. he loves me. etc..." But hey, guess what? I've heard all of that before. I really want to believe him and I wish I completely did. That would make it so much easier.



I hate always thinking or worrying that my boyfriends are cheating on me, lying to me about where they are, lying to me about anything, talking to another girl for the reason that they like them.. it just freaks me out. I don't want it to happen again, but it's just what I expect from guys. I really really really hope Rj is not like that. He is the sweetest guy I've ever been with. The most real. He doesn't like drama...although it happens...he doesn't give up when something goes wrong. He wants us to be happy and work it all out. I love him.. I just hope its real this time.

I really need to get over my trust issues. It messes with me. Like if anything shady comes up I put up this wall and don't let anyone close to me, I don't let anyone know how I feel, I just don't, and it's terrible.