All Alone..

I've had a really rough week.. My mom's out of town so I'm alone that way. My sister is staying at my dads, so I'm at home with my dog. I mean I'm barely ever home. I am random times throughout the day, but I'm with my friends a lot. But, I still feel really lonely for some reason..

I don't mind being alone most of the time. I kind of really enjoy it. But, this time it was just a little different. I know I said in a few posts ago that me and my boyfriend of over a year broke up. I for real thought it was over then. I wasn't trying to talk to him. I wasn't going to see him. I started hanging out with this other boy, who is really sweet by the way, to make sure I didn't go back to my ex.

But, my ex took it way too far this week. He called me nonstop. Like 200 times in 2 hours with me never answering. About 500 text messages without me ever replying. He said he was sitting outside of my house waiting for me to get there. He threatened to break into my house, threatened to physically hurt me, and threatened to physically hurt anyone I was with. It was scary. I had to get my number changed. Again. About a month ago I got it changed for kind of the same reason.

This whole situation really bothers me because I know I should get a restraining order on him. Because I shouldn't be scared he's outside whenever I'm home. I know he's been here; I think it was when I wasn't here at least. I've gotten a letter from him in between my door yesterday morning and another letter about 4 days ago in my mailbox. Then, yesterday when I was coming out of school, because I get out at an earlier time than most people, I was walking out of school with two other people and I looked down the parking lot and my ex was parked behind my car waiting for me. I was freaked out.

Like I had no idea why he was there. He owes me money, but I said I didn't want it. I mean yes I would honestly love my money, but after everything he's been doing this week I would rather just not see him or have anything to do with him. So, I didn't go to my car. I went with the other people I was walking with.

This situation sucks really bad. I mean I really did have a good relationship with this guy and we both loved each other a lot. We were best friends. I understand that he's attached and misses me, but this is psycho and way overboard. I just don't know what to do. Because what he's doing is harassment and illegal. Basically stalking me. But, I would feel so bad pressing charges against him because he meant so much to me. I just wish it could have ended better. It ended good at first, then I don't know what happened with everything. He just snapped. This is a scary situation. I really don't know..

High School Dropouts Continued...

In my last post about high school dropouts at the end I mentioned I've talked to a few people that have dropped out. It's kind of disappointing to admit this, but the main 3 that stick out in my head are two of my guy friends who I would have never thought of doing it, and my boyfriend. My two guy friends didn't completely drop out, they did transfer to a more helpful school. This school does all of the same classes, with it being easier to get credits. It does have shorter days which helps the students go, but it also does take longer to graduate. I don't blame these guys for going there. It doesn't change who they are, some people thinks it does, but that's not right. They're still the same people, they just go to a different school. Whatever helps them graduate is the most important thing.

Okay now to my boyfriend. He is a super smart guy. His parents have paid a lot for his education by putting him through private schools up until his freshman year of high school. After his freshman year he made friends at the public school and really wanted to go there, so his parents let him. When he went to the private school, he had a 3.3-3.6 GPA all 3 semesters. His sophomore year at the public school, he got about a 3.0 GPA the first term and the next two years after that everything fell. He is obviously a really smart person. He knows a whole lot about life and he's a really good writer. He even had a poem published in a book, but he just let everything that happened to him outside of school effect his education. He stopped doing his homework to hang out with friends, he was tired all the time at school and either didn't go or fell asleep in class. When he tried he was a really good student, but when he didn't he didn't get very good grades. At the beginning of our senior year, my boyfriend came to about 7 days of school throughout the first month of school. He was way behind. He basically just slept while he was suppose to be at school. He eventually dropped out. His parents, the school, and I tried to help him, but it was ultimately his choice and his decision on what he wanted his future to be like.

My boyfriend admits he made a mistake and tells a lot of mine and his friends that they should stay in school as long as they can because the real world isn't as enjoyable as it seems. He is getting his GED and he has a full time job roofing. I can't be mad at him for making the decision he's made. People make mistakes and you have to learn to forgive each other. It's more or less... are these high school dropouts giving up on life and being lazy? Or are these high school dropouts admitting they made a mistake and working to better their life the best they can?

Moving Forward

So... I just applied to the community college my mom wanted me to apply to. I kind of feel content about the decision too, which surprises me. I mean all as I was growing up I said I would never go there. I feel kind of like I'm making kind of a stupid decision though because I have a 3.8 GPA and I have gotten good ACT scores. I could get into many universities. I'm not exactly sure why I'm doing this. Maybe partly it's because I wanna make my mom happy. Partly because whenever my mom thinks about me leaving she crys. I'm the one that takes care of her. I try to do the things around my house that she can't do or would hurt her because of injuries she has gotten. I look out for her, not because I feel like I have to. She is my mom, she does take good care of me. But, I think it's because of everything she has done for me and how hard she has worked to try and give herself, my sister, and me a good life together.

I also think I might be okay with going to the community college because I am going to transfer to the University afterwards. I want to get into the accounting program at the University, which is a 5 year program there. So, I figure 2 years at the community college and 3 years at the university, I will be less likely to get bored going to that college because I will be in different surroundings during different years of my education.

I think I'm going to live in an apartment at the community college. My boyfriend says he wants to move in with me... it just depends. I mean by that time we would have been together for a year and a half and I do love him. I just don't want to get my hopes up and plan my future around him being there or around him living with me if there's a big chance it will fall apart. I really don't want it to fall apart, but I can't tell the future and I can't tell what's going to happen. I guess I'll just have to make different versions of plans and wait and see....